Unless you’ve been living in a galaxy far, far away, you’ve no doubt heard about The Last Jedi trailer that dropped earlier this week. There’s also an overwhelming chance that you’ve seen it. Multiple times. Despite the director’s warnings not to. You scruffy-looking nerfherder.
To your potential disappointment, this isn’t a frame-by-frame breakdown of the teaser. Nor is it a press release for the cinematic event set to eclipse the birth of the baby Jesus.
This is a rallying cry.
Grab your pitchforks. Light your torches. Smash those keyboards with the swiftness of the Rohirrim. For whether or not you believe that Han shot first, we all share a common enemy—a treacherous snake that has silently earned a place in our hearts over the years, enamoring us then stabbing us in the back over and over and over again.
Trailers. Trailers, much like the one released this week, that go out of their way to spoil the movies we love. We’ve had enough. We’re quitting trailers.
Before you drop our names in one of these boxes, hear us out. We acknowledge that trailers are a necessary evil. 99% of films need trailers. Without them, these movies would never find their audience nor would they ever generate any profit. After all, there is no show without the business.
But how about the 1%? The movies that have all the attention. All the fans. All the financing they could ever need and more. The movies that are all we can talk about until its premiere, after which we start talking about the inevitable sequel and/or spinoff that comes out a year later. Because unless Geostorm (an actual geostorm or the film, whichever is worse) singlehandedly ends mankind, nothing will stop people from seeing these movies. That is a mathematical certainty.
So if these trailers serve to create hype that already exists, what could they possibly be for? Fun is the obvious answer. These trailers are undeniably enjoyable to watch, we concede that much. But not when it comes at the actual film’s expense. What’s so fun about learning that Kylo Ren is going to possibly shoot down his mother’s ship or that Rey might break bad? Just like what my old Christian Living teacher used to say: “Two minutes ng saya. O tapos?”
Not every trailer has spoilers, you might be saying! Lots of people point to the first teaser for Star Wars Ep. VII: The Force Awakens as an artful masterclass in creating the perfect, spoiler-free trailer. Except it wasn’t.
Let me, for one second, take you to an alternate reality. It is exactly similar in every way to our world, except for two key differences:
- We don’t have any concept of trailers.
- As a society, we didn’t bully The Artist Formerly Known as Marlou Arizala to his breaking point.
You’re in the theater with your friends and you’re about to see The Force Awakens (once again, with no trailer to preface anything). Think of all your favorite moments.
Kylo Ren’s crossguard lightsaber igniting.
The flight of the Millennium Falcon.
Han and Chewie’s homecoming.
General Leia.
Imagine seeing those images for the first time ever, except on a hundred foot screen instead of a five-inch phone. With a rabid horde of cheering Star Wars fans, instead of on the toilet when you do all your YouTubing.
The thing is the plot isn’t the only thing that a trailer can spoil. And you realize that there’s no such thing as a spoiler-free trailer. Trailers dull witty sharp dialogue and the best punchlines. They pre-empt dazzling vistas and spellbinding cinematography. They ruin the moments that make the movies the closest thing we have to magic.
So what’s it gonna be? Are you with us or are you gonna @ us?
P.S. We could go another 600-words on those 5-second mini-trailers that come before trailers to let you know you’re watching a trailer.
P.S.S. And of course, we’re not putting a link to The Last Jedi’s trailer here.
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