We didn’t have a press release for the film, so we made up our own poster.
To be a security guard is one of the most underappreciated and overlooked jobs in the country. Often made to work long hours for insultingly low pay (on average around 15,000 pesos a month, if Google is to be believed), trainees often deal with unruly customers, trespassers, or in rare cases, criminal elements. In the two years since the pandemic started, they, along with health workers, food service workers and others make up a portion of the people who worked at the frontlines of the battle against COVID.
Now it’s nice and all for filmmakers to shine a light on certain topics, and the topic of the security guard making an honest living is certainly a valid one. The problem is, “advocacy films” seldom live up to their name: they are shoddily made, misrepresent or mischaracterize the advocacy they are supposedly advocating for, and often miss the point of the whole exercise entirely.
Security Academy, a 2020 advocacy film that seems to have been put in the backburner due to the COVID pandemic, is one such film. I had my expectations very low, but holy shit, this film keeps on surpassing my rock bottom expectations by the minute. I wondered why at first, but I recognized some of the names in the credits, especially one Dyzal Damun, famed filmmaker responsible for such enduring classics as DOTA: Nakakabaliw and Kamandag ni Venus. If you are familiar with those two films, congratulations, you have a bit of an idea what we’re getting into. To its credit I have never watched a film more ironically entertaining than this in the past year. Let me show you why.
I. The Security of Not Slipping on a Banana on the Beach
The film starts out with four people who enter a security guard academy to receive training: Clinton (Jeric Raval) is a law student who wants a side hustle. In one of the introductory scenes of the film, he is lounging on the beach where he ostensibly lives when a woman approaches him for one thing or another. Clinton starts to flirt with her, saying that he likes “extra rice kinds of ladies” and the woman walks away. Clinton’s wife (Mutya Johanna Datul) comes and asks him what the fuck was that all about and Clinton kinda gives an unsatisfying answer. Meanwhile, the woman is walking on the beach, ON SAND, when she steps on a BANANA PEEL ON THE SAND AND SLIPS. THE BANANA PEEL IS CLEARLY BURIED IN THE SAND. IT HAS NO WAY OF SLIPPING. THIS WOMAN SHOULD BY NO MEANS SLIP IN THE NAME OF ISAAC NEWTON AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. This character exists only for the single purpose of flirting with Clinton, SLIPPING ON A BANANA PEEL EMBEDDED IN THE SAND (something that is impossible by the laws of nature), and disappearing forever. How insignificant we truly are in the vast grandness of the universe, mere notes in the cosmic fugue.
As the woman nurses her hurt pride, a bystander passes by and laughs at her. This is true kino.
Gerry (Jake Rines) has a girlfriend/significant other who for some reason has the voice of a woman twice her age. Take note that this actress is probably just as old as Jeric Raval’s daughter AJ. As an aside, let me get this out of the way first: the sound in this film (especially in the first 30 minutes) is fucking atrocious, as if it were recorded from a counterfeit Chatty Cathy doll from 1965. Gerry’s GF’s change in voice reminds me of bold star Joyce Jimenez, whose actual voice is less Gloria Guida and more Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. Now you can argue that this is actually her real voice and John, you’re just being an asshole (a voice-ist?) but let us put a pin on it for the moment and get back to that later.
Rolando (Aaron Concepcion of Culion fame) is the son of a banana cue saleswoman. For some reason, his ADR voice has a weird accent in the first 30 mins, like if aliens cloned James Reid but his emotion processing center wasn’t replicated properly. His voice changes later on to what I assume is his natural voice, which tells me that these goons lost the sound of the entire first half of the film and had to redub everything because filmmaking is hard. He also has the most peculiar acting range of the four leads, which goes from “furrowed brows” to “furrowed brows, but like 5% more.” He tries to borrow tuition money for the security academy from his parents, but they are both broke. Rolando, understandably, furrows his brows, but just on cue, a guy with a turban shows up and offers to loan some money. There are some very dark skinned Indians in the world, but this guy looks like a non-Indian man (African maybe?) they picked up on the street. He’s not in the credits (I think) so I have no way to verify if I’m right or wrong.
Armando (Oliver Lacson) is the fourth guy. He doesn’t really have a lot to do, but since he’s the fourth guy, I’m including him here anyway.
The four security guard aspirants eventually make it into… the SECURITY ACADEMY.
II. The Security of Not Getting Breast Pumped while Unconscious
The actual advocacy part that shows how security guards get their training takes up only the first 1/3-1/2 of the film. This part mostly lets viewers like you and me know what aspiring security guards go through to become “legit.”
Most of the people involved in this second part are most probably non actors and are staff or faculty of the security academy, because you see in them the same things you see with untrained non-actors: awkward pauses, stilted dialogue, a facial expression that’s half uncertain what to do next, half anticipating the next line.
One particular instructor, a Lieutenant Carpio, teaches our eager cadets about security in an armored van. Anyone familiar with the job knows that it’s extremely hazardous. To demonstrate this hazard but sadly without the resources for an OHP or a PowerPoint presentation, he draws a cartoony caricature of an armored van on the chalkboard behind him. Well, we don’t actually see him draw it, it just magically appears behind him on the next cut.
Another instructor, a Lieutenant Macusa, teaches our cadets about various laws and general orders for security guard things. That’s all and good, but she also teaches the cadets CPR for the rare occasion that a bystander faints, has no pulse or is unable to breathe. She asks one of the female cadets to help her demonstrate, because this place doesn’t have a budget and training dummies are out of the question. She correctly tells the class to first assess the patient, try to wake them up and check their pulse and breathing. She then proceeds to demonstrate this:
Now what do you call this? In my training or experience, we call these chest compressions (or less commonly chest pumps). Our valiant instructor, perhaps urged on by a Freudian subconscious urge, refers to this maneuver as “breast pumps,” as if the participant cadet was a lactating woman eager to feed her newborn child and each pump would squirt milk, fountain-like, from her nipples as she is revived. I had to listen very closely in case I misheard, but it was definitely “breast pump.”
She then moves on to demonstrate mouth to mouth resuscitation, adding quite astutely to wipe the mouth of the victim first before doing the maneuver. However, perhaps due to mutual shyness, she doesn’t actually do the mouth to mouth, opting only to move very close to the other person’s face and blowing. Now, you and I know what’s supposed to be done, and I’m sure the good instructor, sans the earlier misnomer, knows what’s supposed to be done, but these cadets might not know that. Imagine poor Lola Carmela fainting in the supermarket due to an arrythmia and a blameless guard, going only on what he learned, does the proper CPR steps before just kinda blowing on a poor old lady’s face.
We get a short interlude after the CPR lesson to cut to Gerry’s friends. Nothing valuable is gleaned from this except for the fact that Gerry’s GF-with-the-old-lady-voice is in love with him…? And entire cuts of the scene are out of focus, as if the intention was that our cinematic POV was through the eyes of a 80 year old grandpa with severe cataracts.
We are also shown other learning activities such as marching in formation – done in a basketball court, no less! I guess the security academy doesn’t have a lot of space for facilities so they reuse the area for marching drills. Or maybe this is the barangay basketball court and they’re practicing there? Who knows. Let’s put a pin on this to come back to later.
Of course, every guard has to undergo self defense training, so they partner with a local martial arts dojo to practice some moves against perps carrying knives. Sadly, we don’t see this pan out as most of the baddies in this movie carry guns, but hey, it’s always prudent to be prepared just in case Timmy Terrorist has a fancy knife in his pants as a last resort.
The firing range is also featured, and by firing range I mean a room crowded with people, like 2 “firing stations” and with cardboard targets. They fire various weapons, even a shotgun, which I thought wasn’t allowed but in certain firing ranges they actually do that stuff.
In between these sequences are fuzzy establishing shots of buildings which I’m guessing are shots of the security academy, but since Angel Film Productions probably doesn’t have money for drones, they look like they were shot from a distance, using a Nokia 7650 in 240p resolution and zoomed in for maximum shitty effect.
The four eventually end their didactic education (or at least pass the basic education part of their training) and are assigned a place to guard – something like an OJT. This is where things get a bit weird.
III. The Security of Not Getting Into a Firefight in a Supermarket
Clinton, ‘Mando, ‘Lando and Gerry (and a token fifth guard, Josefa) are assigned to a supermarket. One might think five security guards in one shift to guard a supermarket that’s no bigger than a basketball court is overkill, but there’s a reason for this. Not five minutes after starting the day, a suspicious white van enters the frame. The lead robber, played by Archi Adamos, goes over the plan with his goons.
They quickly incapacitate Armando, who hilariously hangs over the disabled access railing like a wet blanket, and enter the supermarket, where they promptly enter into a gunfight with the remaining security guards. For some reason, Clinton kicks a trash can behind him as the fight starts. Why? It wasn’t even blocking his way! Someone’s going to have to clean that up later, Clinton. Along with the dead bodies, of course. lol.
This is probably a good time to note that the people involved in making this movie are mostly known for making action movies in the late nineties to the early 2000s, which in terms of Filipino cinema, wasn’t the best time for that specific genre. This film’s director, Karlo Montero, is perhaps best known for 2002’s Huwag Mong Takasan ang Batas, which starred Rommel Padilla (which isn’t even B-tier as far as Padillas are concerned IMO) and Ynez Veneracion. It’s obvious from the latter half of the film that there is an obvious nostalgia for those kinds of films, and it shows. Security guards don’t often see a lot of action, but for these four, action is pretty much all they’re going to see. And this is just their OJT!
The robbers tie up poor Josefa, leading her to waddle around like a duck in a uniform, while Clinton and the others 360 no scope the baddies with their shotguns. Several people (and various grocery products) get riddled with bullets. One unfortunate casualty of the firefight is a shopping lady in her mid twenties to early thirties who, as it turns out, is voiced by the same middle aged to old lady who voiced Gerry’s GF!! I hope you gave that lady double pay.
The robbery attempt ends with frequent cuts to a crying cashier (who I think is related to one of the security guards?) Clinton headshotting Archi Adamos and Gerry getting shot in the shoulder. The police FINALLY arrive, randomly arresting a guy in shorts who is probably one of the robbers (they didn’t exactly ask any questions), but who knows for sure.
While Gerry convalesces in a hospital, Mando and Lando get assigned to a warehouse and Clinton… just chills on the beach. Maybe his law school is on the beach. I’d go to a beach law school… if I wanted to take up law. That would be nice, taking a short swim after the prof grills you on constitutional law.
Old lady voice woman visits Gerry at the hospital and he doesn’t speak. Oh no! Was there brain damage? Poor Gerry! Nope, he was just sulking. We find that this entire film takes place in Rizal, which I guess cuts down on production costs or something. There’s also a “comedic” sequence later on about Gerry coming home from the hospital and some lady beating up what looks like a homeless person, but it’s easily the least funny part of the film. Jokes occur naturally, like a woman slipping on a banana embedded in the sand. Yes, I will not let that go.
Meanwhile, Lando and Mando are getting weird vibes from the warehouse they are assigned to…
IV. Security From Not Discovering Drugs In The Warehouse You Are Guarding
Mando isn’t too interested to investigate further, but Lando isn’t having any of it. In the night, he Solid Snakes his way through the warehouse where he bumps into a car tire. A black bag falls down and finds ILLEGAL DRUGS INSIDE!! Apparently their boss, Mr. Lim (or is it Mr. Ang?) is a drug lord. Lando’s Metal Gear Solid shit is gaining dividends.
So now, I have a question for you. You find ILLEGAL DRUGS in the place you are patrolling. You know illegal activities are afoot. What is the FIRST THING that you do next?
A. Call the PDEA and let the police handle things
B. Get into a shootout and get the baddies yourself
C. Join the gang and probably earn more than your security guard job… in exchange for your dignity
D. Get help from your friends, including that Indian loanshark who may actually be African
Do you know what this film does? NONE OF THE ABOVE! He does nothing until the next day and talks to his fellow security guards, where they tell him to just pray and be careful (“magdasal na lang at mag-ingat.”)
Okay, I’m being a little disingenuous here. He eventually does letter A, but probably only after lots of prayer. So why have the meeting with fellow guards in the first place? Well, maybe it’s because during the PDEA operation, they make SECURITY GUARDS the vanguard force. Involving security guards in a police operation is pretty ludicrous, but that’s not all.
Mr. Ang and Mr. Lim, his associate are arguing about various money matters. I think Mr. Ang owns the warehouse since the credits state that the warehouse is named “Mr. Ang’s Warehouse.” lol. This is made even more convoluted when during the ensuing SNAFU and firefight with SECURITY GUARDS and 1-2 PDEA agents, Mr. Ang is referred to by his goons as Mr. Lim. I don’t really expect script continuity from these dudes but Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, this takes the cake.
Both are caught and Mr. Lim tries to finagle with the PDEA agents but he is quickly rebuffed. The druglord is arrested and the security guards save the day again.
V. Security From Not Getting Robbed While Taking a Shit
While Mando and Lando are gun-fighting drug dealers, Clinton’s wife rises from the ocean like a Kraken, but if the Kraken was very pretty and actually won Miss Supranational 2013. In the shot the sun is still up, or it is at the very least sunset. In the very next shot it is clearly night, as if two hours have passed. So she walked two hours to the resort where Clinton was? Maybe it’s some sort of solstice where the night comes quickly. The two then engage in small talk, where Clinton tries forcefully to feed his wife fruit even if her mouth is already full (and vice versa.) This sequence is completely irrelevant to the rest of the story. Or is it…?
While Clinton stuffs his face with fruit (doing little to no law schooling), Gerry is back on the job, guarding a pawnshop. For some reason a tarpaulin with the name of the Pawnshop is attached to the metal shutters. This is perhaps as an attempt to say “this is a pawnshop” without paying for painting an empty building. Otherwise it would be weird. How would the shop open in the morning? Would the tarp just slide back in there when they open the shutters?
Just like clockwork, in the adjacent lot a group of robbers attempts to dig into the pawnshop and steal stuff. These robbers are filmed crouching next to a brick wall to simulate them digging into the pawnshop, even though its obvious that they’re above ground (or at least in a bright tunnel). Meanwhile, Gerry takes a shit up top. He is alerted to the robbers’ nefarious activities when the cup of coffee he placed outside of the toilet shatters. For some reason he didn’t hear, you know, the sound of pickaxes and tools chipping away at the rock below him.
Gerry catches them in the act and arrests all of them, even letting one robber handcuff himself to his associate. He calls the police, followed by stock footage of… an ambulance??? AN AMERICAN AMBULANCE, AT THAT?? Is this a butterfly effect thing where Gerry taking a shit triggers a medical emergency in Idaho????????
VI. Security From Not Getting Swarmed on The Beach by….
For its climax, Security Academy asks us, what exactly can a security guard do?
In what is probably the same beach Clinton is staying in (assigned to?) a woman named Mrs. Dee is being extorted by goons for protection money. Mrs. Dee isn’t having any of it, because Mrs. Dee is an upright citizen. The goons swear their revenge.
Mrs. Dee’s first course of action would be to contact the authorities, and to be fair that’s exactly what she does. What’s the police’s first course of action then when 20 goons arrive on three boats on the beach? Humor me on this one.
A. Assemble a force of police and confront the goons
B. Assemble a force of police and get the navy/marines involved
C. Intercept the boats in the sea and arrest the goons
D. Assemble a force of police and SWAT, but don’t use them yet. Instead, gather a force of 20ish SECURITY GUARDS to act as a fucking VANGUARD FORCE.
If you chose D, then congratulations, you are correct. Unfortunately your IQ has probably gone down a few points after reading this. I’m sorry.
The pirates/extortionists get into a protracted firefight with FUCKING SECURITY GUARDS. ON THE BEACH! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SECURITY GUARD ON A BEACH?? And there are like 15-20 of them!! How many resorts are these people guarding?? Was Clinton assigned here or was he living here, or both??? Why have so many security guards in the first place? And why are they putting OJT-ers in the line of fire????
One of the security guards catches a goon and rear naked chokes his Nur Misuari looking ass out. I forgot which one of the four knocks out this counterfeit Nur Misuari looking motherfucker because I as laughing too hard at the absurdity of it all.
It’s certainly not Clinton, since he’s outside with this exchange with a pirate (and I paraphrase) :
Goon: Wait don’t shoot! My rifle’s run out of ammo!
Clinton: Okay, catch this (chucks his shotgun at the goon)
Goon: haha you fool! *fires the shotgun but it has no bullets*
Clinton: Eto saluhin mo to (Here, catch this) *takes out his pistol and shoots the goon*
It’s comedy gold, punctuated by when one of the police guys shoots a grenade launcher at one of the boats and explodes it with a cheap green screen animation.
VII. Security From Extended Epilogues
Clinton, Mando, Lando and Gerry are awarded by the security academy or something. I guess their OJT training has ended. And by OJT the filmmakers of this hilarious shit probably mean Obliterate & Jail Terrorists.
They do the awarding ceremony in the same barangay basketball court/backyard court where they did marching drills earlier. There’s an awkward series of cuts where the film seems to be waiting for the MC to start talking, and they just kinda cut back and forth to awkwardly anticipatory faces instead of editing it out.
We then see the general in charge of the security academy eating in a cafeteria, where he meets Clinton, Mando and Gerry. It’s soon apparent that some time has passed and Clinton is back in law school and either Mando or Gerry (or both) have moved on to other professions. The general laments that he should be treating the three (+1) to a more lavish dinner. Yeah no shit, especially when these four literally ended an illegal drug operation and participated in no less than 3 gunfights!!! You should be treating these four to AT LEAST a buffet!
Some time later, Mando, Lando and Gerry visit Clinton, whose wife is visiting a doctor. The implication is that she’s expecting a baby and not endometrial cancer, just to be clear. Clinton’s also become a lawyer, and the four discuss where to celebrate and eat out. Instead of a restaurant or a cafeteria, the three convince Clinton to go to the gym at the security academy. Much to no one’s surprise, he is greeted by a surprise party. The end.
As the credits rolled, featuring a song that is best described as “a drunk dude who doesn’t exactly remember the lyrics, singing karaoke at 1am,” I thought of what the film stood for. Being a security guard can be a noble profession, and those who take on the task can be heroes. But perhaps Security Academy could have honored them by showing how they act out their heroism in less ridiculous, more grounded ways: by helping people in need, by keeping the places they guard safe, by simply providing for their families while being grossly overworked and underpaid. Not by choking out some dude in a firefight on a beach.
There’s no sign of a trailer for the movie but here’s what we found on the internet:
